I doubt many have noticed, but my posts are fewer and further between lately. I have found it more and more challenging to find the energy and motivation to write about horror films in the last few months, even my favorite ones. I think I have figured out why.
From before I can remember, film and other visual media have had a significant place in my life. Movies were always a special occasion growing up, even if it became an everyday thing. Film gave me somewhere to go when I needed to clock out of the real world. The idea of being a filmmaker or screenwriter entered my daydreams many times, but they were soon brushed aside. Once I really started listening to myself and where my happiness would actually come from, a thought occurred: why not me?
I want to make movies. I no longer feel hesitant or embarrassed to share that.
I started writing a horror novel a few years ago that I fully envision as a movie in the future. In the past couple of years, I have begun translating the movie ideas and scripts I have in my notes into actual manuscripts. I love writing this blog, but realistically, it is foundational to what I truly want to do, not all I want to do.
In the past year or so, seeing updates from actors and filmmakers on my social media feeds created sinking feelings in my core. Every day that went by that I was still not where I want to be sunk that sensation deeper. I compared myself to people I had never met to the point that I started to forget who I was. I ended up unfollowing a lot of accounts and spending less time on social media as these experiences turned into aversions (less time on social media has been pretty beneficial, though). It is nothing to do with the people and all to do with me and what my mind decided to fixate on. I do not resent or challenge anyone’s success. Everyone’s circumstances and stories are different. I have learned to turn jealousy into inspiration, discouragement into motivation.
I am hoping with this change in season comes a change in my experience. I did not share this for any attention or to promote my projects. As I work through bringing my work to life, I feel that this vulnerability will help other artists see that they are not alone. I am giving my time and energy to what inspires me and avoiding circumstances that drain me. I have been reading books about filmmaking and learning how to use different equipment and software. I invest a few hours a day watching movies and television from the genres I want to focus in. This is to not just enjoy them, but to study them: storytelling strategies, scene blocking, shot lengths, music, colors, anything I can think of.
There are so many reasons why this won’t happen for me, but there are even more reasons why it can. I just have to do more than I have been. I will still be posting regularly on this blog and its social media pages, even if I need a break some weeks. Telling horror stories, whether I wrote them or not, will always be who I am.
I want to be a filmmaker. I want to be a screenwriter. I am going to start referring to myself as an artist without second-guessing, because that is who I am and who I have always been.
I want to be a part of the world that has given so much to me. Somehow, I will make it happen.
Until next time,